What the Opening Ceremony should involve

The Olympic Games may be one of the largest events in the World, but the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics must be one of the most watched events in the World. Intrigue dominates the Opening Ceremony. What will the athletes be wearing? What will the ceremony entail? Instead of trying to determine what will actually happen in the Opening Ceremony, I've decided to announce what the Opening Ceremony should entail.

Obviously it wouldn't be England without drizzle. If it looks like it won't be raining, the organisers should ensure that suitable implements are installed to create a fake drizzle across the stadium. Bunting should also be present all over the stadium, with mini Union Flags criss-crossing over the Stadium and amongst the rafters. If done well enough, this could act as a roof, allowing organisers to save money on installing artificial rain sprinklers.

At some point a Lancaster needs to fly by. The best part of the Royal Wedding was when the Lancaster flew over. Only idiots would disagree with this, the only other reasonable moment better than the Lancaster was when the Wedding finished. Spitfires should also be involved in some way, with a Chinook helicopter obliged to land in the Stadium at some point dropping off either IOC honchos or Susan Boyle. Susan Boyle can rest assured that the IOC honchos won't hit on her. The reason for this is obvious.

At some point Jeremy Clarkson should be involved. I remember they did this whole E-Type Jag thing on the show. That worked really well because they prominently displayed the Union Flag and had Spitfires. Jeremy Clarkson should either be the choreographer or drive around in an MG/Jaguar/Bentley shouting "power".

Dance Numbers aren't needed as the English can't dance.

The Queen should be made to wave to every athlete who walks by. The order in which nations parade should be done with the most Protestant nations marching first. The more Catholic a nation is, the later it will march. How very, very English.

The best thing about this ceremony is nothing about it would surprise anyone (how very English), and leave everyone disappointed (how very English indeed).